Your Story Destroys Your Relationships

In my last post I told you about growing up thinking my mom didn’t love me and why I felt that way. I shared my story about my life, the fantasy I unknowingly made up to explain events and circumstances in my childhood that continued into my adult years because I was living in my story instead of reality.

Note that you do not sit down and compose a story.

Your habit, being human, is to interpret and give emotions to events then assign meanings to those events based on your emotions and thoughts.

That act creates your story. You do that entire process out of your awareness. The problem is you then live in your interpretation, your story about the event, as if that is what actually happened.

For many people their story becomes their identity.

Let me explain by example. As a specialized kinesiologist I sometimes work with people who live with very painful conditions. Some of them carry on daily routines and live their lives like nothing is wrong.

I recall one client telling me that after our session she was painfree for the first time in her life. Her friend was in shock. She had no idea that my client, her dear friend, suffered any kind of condition—let alone one of extreme and chronic pain.

Some people with that same condition lie around watching television all day long telling everyone how much they hurt, how they can’t do anything and how hard life is. That is their story—that life is hard and painful because of their condition.

Stories can make people victims or victors, as described in the two examples above.

What story keeps you from being happy? What story do you tell yourself and others, by your behaviors and words, that keeps you stuck and hurt?

I was a stay-at-home  mom raising two performing kids. We were together almost all the time day and night – driving them to lessons, auditions, rehearsals and performances. I don’t think anyone could be closer, emotionally, as parent and children.

When a disabling brain injury turned my life upside-down in 1996 my kids, who no longer lived at home, could not see the extent of the damage to my daily functioning. That I could not do what I used to do simply did not compute for them. All they noticed was that I no longer did all the Mommy things I had always done for them.

They each made up a story that their mom no longer loved them.

That was their interpretation of my new behaviors.

At a time when I believed I desperately needed their love and support I got neither. I made up the story, “My kids stopped loving me.”

All three of us lived with deep hurt until one day I understood the concept of living in a story. I explained what happened for me regarding their behaviors. I asked each of them if maybe they had done something similar. Both my son and daughter agreed they had made up the story that I stopped loving them because I no longer did the things I had always done for them.

Result? Instantly our relationships healed.

Damien, Ali, and Nili singing a blessing while lighting candles

The pain disappeared in the blink of an eye. We agreed to live in the reality of events—that have no innate meaning at all. Events only have the meaning we assign to them.

What story do you live in?

What do you tell yourself, or rather what do you hear that commentator in your head tell you all day long?

What commentator? The one telling you right now that there is no voice in your head telling you anything.

Right now, as you read my words that commentator is telling you which concepts make sense and which don’t fit. That little voice is telling you all about what you are reading, and likely making up stories about the author of this material, namely me.

When you stop and pay attention you discover you never actually directly experience anything in life. Everything comes filtered through your commentator. Every action you take or fail to take gets a spin from the commentator, the one seeking to keep you safe by preventing change.

Your commentator functions to keep you in your comfort zone so you do not take risks.

Do you want to play it safe or do you want to live life full out?

You can silence the commentator with the words, “Thank you for sharing.” Then you can ask yourself if the beliefs (stories you tell yourself about everything and everyone) are true. When you are truthful with yourself you easily see no story is the truth. (Read my post, The True You vs Your Belief System, to fully understand what beliefs are and how they lie to you.

Choose to stop the hurt you feel from beliefs. Only beliefs cause hurts because they do not come from your True Self. Your commentator repeats those lies every time you start to think new and different thoughts that will take you outside the comfort zone box.

Bad things happen to innocent people, including children. Do not interpret my message to mean you should forget about the bad and horrific experiences of your life.

I recommend you to lose the emotions generated by your stories that keep the pain alive. Refuse to think those same thoughts every day. If you get triggered by people or places you have emotional blocks that, when cleared, will free you from living in your story.

Do you think you might attract new and different relationships? Satisfying relationships that feed your spirit rather than drain it?

Imagine how life would be different if you no longer lost energy to keeping alive the pain of your past? How would it feel to finally live in the NOW?

That is why they call it the present.

About Ali Bierman

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6 Responses to Your Story Destroys Your Relationships

  1. sore throat says:

    This design is wicked! You certainly know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Great job. I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

    • Ali Bierman says:

      Wicked? I wouldn’t have described the design that way. Thanks for your comment and letting m know the message got across for you. Go start your own blog–if you have something to share others want to know about. Of course it takes work!

  2. Jonah Boock says:

    Thats the whole thing, theyre only as good as what the operator puts into them.

  3. Hello, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam responses? If so how do you reduce it, any plugin or anything you can recommend? I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any assistance is very much appreciated.

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