Relationships and Stress


You create stressful relationships so you can grow through unresolved issues from your past. I once met a couples counselor who told me, “If you’re married, you have problems.” Which reminds me of the wisdom shared by noted author Pamela Beaty on the LA Talk Radio show, On The Couch With Dr. Michelle. She said she has no desire to get married because she doesn’t need a man in her life pushing her buttons–which is exactly what happens in marriage. Okay, not just in marriage but also in partnerships without vows.

Some years ago, when I was just learning about how we create our reality and attract situations to us that help us grow, I learned a powerful relationship lesson listening to a friend recount her nasty experiences with her current boss.

Right, I am not talking about an intimate relationship here. Read on to see how her work relationship changed her life.

First she described the crummy situation at work. Then she revealed the fact that her boss had the same personality as her father and she knew she was in that particular job with that particular boss to resolve issues that originated with her father. Only now she had this opportunity to work through those same feelings, reactions and behaviors with a new person, her boss.

By healing the relationship with her boss, my friend was able to heal the situation between herself and her father.

What she did astounded me. I had not seen anyone come from this space before. She said when her boss was doing his usual complaining to her and getting down on her instead of getting defensive she sent him love.

What? He is yelling at you, mistreating and disrespecting you and you send him love? What the heck!

In that moment I realized her sensible choice.

You get back what you put out. If she had chosen to duplicate the nasty attitude of her boss or remained silent and accepted blame for something she did not cause then her own body-mind would have deteriorated a little bit more.

By sending love to her boss she fulfilled a need he probably didn’t even know he had. I am not going to tell you they were instantly friends and his attitude changed instantly – because neither of those possibilities happened.

What did happen is my friend could go to work knowing she was okay regardless of what transpired. She no longer reacted to her boss’s angry behaviors. And he no longer exhibited so much anger so often.

People appear to you as you expect them to be. When she expected more respect and possibly even kindness, at some point he responded by being a kinder person who did not need to yell.

Two resolutions unfolded for my friend. She dealt with a life-long issue that she needed to clear with her father. (Though her release came in the form of her relationship with her boss—still the same issue she need to grow past) and she learned how to extract desirable behaviors from others, regardless of the kind of relationship she may have endured in the past.

What does any of this have to do with you and your relationship with your significant other?

Many people marry their partner to heal a relationship duplicated in their early childhood. NO! NO one does that consciously yet it happens every day.

Consider that maybe you did the same thing. AND, whether or not you (or maybe your partner did it) attracted your partner to correct a past situation, that unresolved dilemma continues to persist.

And it all happens out of your awareness – until you decide to take charge of how your marriage or partnership is working out – or not working out.

Choose to have different expectations of your partner. Your partner will always become the person exhibiting the behaviors you expect and accept from him or her. Always!

Leave a comment below to share your own experience – or to pose a question. Please “like” this post and share it on Facebook so those you care about can feel better in their own relationships. Maybe one of those relationships is the one they have with you.

About Ali Bierman

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