Mother-Daughter Relationship Healing

Much of my life, because I felt my mom didn’t love me I felt a lot of anger. Note that anger is a secondary emotion resulting from the primary emotions, in this case, hurt and disappointment.

Embarrassing to share all this info, so why do it?

I know that very many of you feel the same way having grown up living similar experiences. How many of you think that your parents caused your life to look less than perfectly happy? And you feel anger, frustration or resentment?

I convinced my mom to move near my family when my kids were young, We enjoyed each other’s company—all of us. It was great! My mom was a great warm wonderful person! The whole neighborhood knew and loved Grandma Edie.

But my mom wanted me to spend even more time with her being real close and that is where not letting go of my past hurt both of us. To me she wanted the close relationship she would not give me when I needed it. I felt resentment. (I was so stuck in my emotions—belief systems, my BS!)

So how did I change my perspective and change my past totally healing my relationship with my mom?

When my mom turned 80 she mysteriously developed psychotic symptoms. She saw things that terrified her. Her behaviors sometimes were dangerous to her and I always worried about her.

The Universe forced me to pay close attention to my mom.

When someone develops psychotic symptoms and moves into their own private world (common diagnoses are schizophrenia and multiple personalities) they basically say, “Hey people, if you won’t pay attention to me then I choose not to be part of your world.”

Got it?

Okay so you see that I had to give my mom more attention than I had before.

And then it happened. My mom experienced a mini-stroke that further destroyed her mental functioning. Her level of functioning became that of a two-year old. She was unable to do anything for herself. She thought I was her mother. She clung to me and was uncomfortable when I was out of her sight.

The mini-stroke ended my mom’s ability to live on her own.

The Universe put the need to heal the relationship with my mom right in my face.

The timing of that mini-stroke overlapped my victory completing a three-year struggle to rebuild my own life following a brain injury. There I was, 49 years old, just ready to take on living my own life again for the first time when I became my mother’s parent around-the-clock.

I felt cheated and very angry. I resented having to put my life on hold yet again–indefinitely. (I did not know she had cancer at the time. To me, this was the ultimate unwilling sacrifice that could last many years.)

I threw a major pity party for myself.

I made the situation all about me and how my mom’s illness affected me. No matter how I looked at the situation, all I saw were unfair circumstances coupled with cruel timing.

Then the Universe made certain I heard the solution that was always present. No problem comes without solutions. You cannot see solutions when you focus on problems! Duh! The Japanese language has only one word for problem and opportunity. Every single challenge is an opportunity to grow and change.

So what was the life-altering solution? I heard a salesman say, “It is never about you. It is always about the other person.”

In that instant I thought about what it must be like for my mom, this amazing woman who had run all three of her boss’ businesses and single-handedly raised my brother and me at a time when women did not work outside the home. In that moment, and for the rest of her life, I felt only love, honor, respect, and never-ending gratitude.

Fine. So how did I get to be okay with my mom and let her know how much I loved her and finally understood her when her mind was gone?

All the resentment had turned to guilt now.

I held my Mom and hugged her all day–and most of the night–for the last three months of her life. I did everything for her. I was completely drained. Caring for my mom constituted a physical and emotional challenge of unfathomable proportions.

Caring for my mom was one of the greatest gifts of my life.

On two separate occasions during those last three months, my mom had long periods of being completely lucid. I was talking with the mom I had known all my life until her mental state shifted at age 80.

We had the most meaningful conversations we ever had in those precious moments. We said everything we needed to say to each other, so we healed all wounds and my mom could leave this lifetime knowing how much I cherished her.

I could live my life knowing I did all I could do for her. More importantly, she was aware of that truth.

In those two moments, when time seemed to stand still, I learned another invaluable lesson: the soul perpetually exists as a perfect and intact entity.

The soul is omnipresent.

Regardless of the physical or emotional or mental state of the human being, the soul knows exactly what is happening. The person may not be able to communicate. The soul, being the True person, always knows every minute, in great detail, about that human being.

We really are Divine Spirits living human experiences. Even through all that horrific suffering, I knew my mom’s soul remained at Peace. I feel so grateful for that knowing, for that present.

Do you see it was all a story I made up about my mom not loving me? I gave events that interpretation then went on to live my life in that story rather than in reality.

Tomorrow I will show you how a story nearly severed the relationships between me and my kids. More importantly I will show you how to prevent or reverse the stories in your family life that keep you from fully loving one another.

 

 

 

About Ali Bierman

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22 Responses to Mother-Daughter Relationship Healing

  1. Great post! Good reminder on many levels. First, others issues are never about us. Also a reminder that life is about caring for ourselves and those we love. Even when we sometimes are confused about how to the reasoning behind other actions or lack thereof.

    • ajb says:

      So well put, Nisha. I never ever told anyone about any of those feelings. SO it really surprised me when I chose to share in such an open platform. AS a psychothefrapistg and specialized kinesiologist and friend I’ve seen so much hurt and so much regret in the lives of others. What if my Mom’s spirit had not come through those two times to let me know that my she really did know and feel how much I loved her? I may have lived with that tormenting guilt all my life.
      I am so grateful for the gifts of the Universe in the form of the people who show up in our world and the circumstances we get to grow through.

  2. Tia Bach says:

    Wow. This brought tears to my eyes. I have a great relationship with my mom, but this has put an odd sense of pressure on me with my three girls (11. 9 & 6). I want them to be as close later as I am to my mom. What was the key? I hear so many stories of mothers and daughters who don’t speak later, and it would destroy me if that happened with my daughters. But I don’t want to become obsessive. It’s so hard.

    Thanks for this wonderful post. Found you through the Ultimate Blog Challenge. So glad I did!

    • ajb says:

      Thanks for sharing, Tia. I went through exactly what you fear. See my next post explaining how it happened. I gave my life to my kids, my mom and my ex-husband. There was no me for far too many years. I wrote about that experience and wake up call in my book, Staying Home With My Kids: Lousy Pay, Lousy Hours, Priceless Rewards. It was nobody’s fault. I just never realized I trained everyone to treat me and expect me to be there for them–only for them. (My mom did not do that to me. I just thought she did.)
      That whole lesson is so important I think I will write a book on that subject.
      I am so glad you brought up that subject. I lost so many friends to female cancers in the past year it is absolutely life shattering–how women give and give without thought to themselves. That moms are called selfish if they do something for themselves or dare to love themselves first.
      Please remember that whatever we focus on we attract and whatever we fear we bring upon ourselves. Pay attention to what you think and what you give emotion to. Thoughts with emotions are beliefs–stories we tell ourselves. They are lies, BS. (See my earlier post on that topic for clarification–please read it for yourself and for you kids.
      I love my kids more than anything in the world. We were so close we often communicated without words–even across the miles. We are still close but I tell you, we went through a devastating time where I thought all was lost. Please read the next post, Your Story Destroys Your Relationships.

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