I once witnessed an argument between two seals. Yikes. LOUD! Amazing. She stormed off – and he followed. I can only help humans move past the need to rage at each other.
During my 31-year marriage my ex-husband and I periodically argued. No, not on a regular basis but say, every six months.
For far too may years I participated, making the disagreement possible.
You see, it takes two people to argue, two active participants, each putting up their own walls and hurling useless debris at one another in a sloppy race to no where.
For the most part, men make their points based on a definition of logic (which never make any logical sense to many women who actually stop to analyze those points). Women make their points (80% of women do) based on their emotions. At times rather than thinking with emotions they allow their emotions to do the thinking.
Hmm. No wonder arguments come across as clashes – they are clashes of will. Yes?
After many years, and all my experience studying and working with others as a psychotherapist, I saw through the argument game. WOW! What a revelation.
You see, people see the parts of themselves in others that they do not want to recognize as part of them. When they pick apart another person they reveal how they feel about those behaviors in themselves.
They do not like those behaviors so when they see them exhibited in others they pounce on them!
All you have to is listen to the accusations being flung at you to discover what is happening inside your partner to finally understand where s/he is emotionally.
Yes, men do not live in their emotions but hey, even if out of their awareness, they feel. As a specialized kinesiologist I can show anyone exactly how men feel and store emotions in their bodies.
Now that you understand how valuable an argument can be in letting you into your partner’s world, how do you use that information to heal your relationship?
Be who you are and love yourself. Listen to the words and feelings of your partner. Really pay attention. No thinking about your retort. No defending yourself. No proving your partner wrong. Got it?Listening includes noting the voice tone and body language.
Notice that blame means avoiding self-responsibility.
When someone gets in your face, remember their anger is really a call for help—only s/he does not know it. Also realize s/he may not be ready to accept help either.
To your angry partner, asking for and receiving help would mean taking responsibility for his or her life and how everything goes for him or her.
Just so you know, arguments initially provide you with helpful information. However, you can use that information to construct a means to eliminate the cause for future arguments.
Think about how you feel after yelling at each other.
Even if you find a compromise do you resolve anything? Probably not. Why? Two reasons:
- A compromise rarely comes put to be win-win
- Most arguments usually focus on little annoyances and rarely address the elephant in the living room
Sure, you may find the make-up process romantic and appealing. Frankly, the underlying feelings in each partner remain the same. Those feelings seethe below the surface until the next eruption until one of you steps forward and breaks the painful cycle by speaking to that elephant’s presence.
By the way, research shows that men often evaluate the status of a partnership as doing way better than than women do.
Stay tuned to discover what to do with the information revealed in an argument to resolve the situation in a win-win way.