You and Your (Ex)Significant Other

I see so very many articles and requests online about getting your ex back. I’ve met people who were married, divorced then remarried to each other – then divorced a second time.

Why do people seem to want to stay in pain? If your significant other leaves something was amiss in the relationship, yes? Something was missing that caused one or both of you to be less than happy or satisfied being together.

That something is… you aren’t going to like this answer. Well, probably not.

That something that was wrong in your relationship was you.

Yes you.

No, I am not saying you’re to blame for the problems or separation or even the divorce. No one is to blame for any of it. Got that No one.

When I say you were 100% responsible for the breakup between you and your significant other I mean that you participated in the relationship in a way that allowed behaviors you found hurtful to persist. And you also failed to ask for what you needed to feel loved.

Often, way too often, partners talk about their “other half” or their “better half.” The words coming out of your mouth give extra power to those same words running through your subconscious mind, which serve to carry out, to make true your “commands.”

You alone are responsible for your happiness. Your partner is responsible for his or her happiness. Period.

No one makes you happy, fulfilled or hurt and frustrated but you – by your own interpretations of events and behaviors.

Before looking to get your ex back make sure you know who you are, what you want and how you behave in relationships. Know what matters most to you and what makes no difference. Then, if you feel comfortable you can live, providing your own happiness in that relationship, then determine what steps you need to take to become involved with your ex – if you still want to. Just remember, he or she will not change just for you. That person must want to become someone different in his or her hearts and not superficially just to please you and get you back.

Any ungenuine changes on the part of either you or your ex will lead to anger, frustration and intense unhappiness down the road.

About Ali Bierman

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2 Responses to You and Your (Ex)Significant Other

  1. Amethyst says:

    I see so many people try to get back with their exes, and it just never works out. I like that you said it’s that what was wrong with the relationship was “you.” People need to take more personal responsibility. It seems like everyone tries to pass the buck these days. Thanks for pointing it out. 🙂

    • ajb says:

      Right after my divorce I was in the ILP program at Landmark Education. My coach said to me, “You are responsible for your divorce.” (Not his exact words.) I told him I knew I did some things that were not so good but that my ex-husband did too and we were both to blame for the results. To which my coach simply replied, “Consider that it is 100% you.”
      I was so angry with him. it took me a few years to really understand what he meant. Now I see so clearly. As you say, Amethyst, people do not want to take responsibility for their lives. Blaming is so much easier.

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